Proposed bicycle trip on the upper Danube in July, 2009

December 18, 2008

The following is an exchange between my friend, John W., an older gentleman about my age, and me regarding a proposed bicycle tour this summer in Germany:

Dear T.:

I am not a biker but of course willing to undertake whatever regimen is necessary to get myself in condition. It sounds easy enough as you describe it- "flat, scenic and not very expensive" --"on buke trails." Is "buke" something between bike and puke? The latter might be my forte if it gets too tough. But knowing you, T., you are not going to do that to yourself. And as long as we are bicycling down river, with the flow, how difficult can it be? My only reservation is the German language. Yes I know they all speak English and therefore no problem communicating. It is simply that the German language is anathema to me. It is World War II and many Nazi movies as a child. I have never owned a German auto or for that matter a Jap auto either. I suppose your Frankfurt friends would not consider bicycling in France where I feel at home. But don't think that Germany puts me off such that I wouldn't go. I would not forfeit yours and Dare's company for that reason. Just a suggestion. How long is the trip and when in July? I expect to walk in France in the Spring. I would like to coordinate. One more thing would you consider moving the trip to earlier in the year to get the benefit of the cooler weather and less people? I look forward to this. John W.

My answer:

Re the proposed bike trip on the upper Danube:

1. Don't worry; you won't puke or buke.
2. We are booked up earlier. The weather will be fine, and there won't be many people in July. The departure date won't be fixed for a couple of months. Stay loose.
3. You have many more Germain traits than pansy French traits. You will feel right at home in Germany with the Germans. They are far and away the best people in Europe, no matter how badly Hollywood slandered them.
4. Everyone speaks English. Furthermore, my German is at least as good as your French - which may not be saying much.
5. You will love our friends. Bodo the lawyer is on your wavelength politically. He is past president of the Harvard Law School Association of Europe.
6. Some exercises in advance will be required. Your legs are in good shape, but I'll bet your butt isn't. I can suggest simple exercises that will prevent your trip from being ruined by sore-butt-itis.
7. The trip will be one week. It starts in a town called Donauschwengen and ends in Ulm. You fill fly to Frankfurt. We will already be in Berlin. We can meet you in Frankfurt. Also, you can combine this with a few days in Berlin and stay with us if you wish.
8. You like beer, don't you?
9. One gauges the difficulty of a bike trip by the color of the hair of the riders coming the other way. If it's grey, the ride will not be a problem. You will see a majority of old folks coming the other way. You will rent a bike as part of the tour. You could even room with Bodo to keep the cost down.
10. Good news: Our German friends insist on wine for lunch. Bad news: They won't pay more than five or six Euros per bottle. We don't do wine, so cheap stuff from the supermarket tastes good to Dare and me. Germans of their immediate post-war generation can't bear to part with cash - another trait you have in common with them.
11. The highlight of the day is the lunch on a grassy knoll along the river or, if we're lucky, a public picnic table. Dare and Hannelore, the other lady, will take turns shopping every morning before we pull out. You will have to pay for one lunch, but the total cost usually comes in under 20 Euros, including wine, for six. You can't believe how good German cold cuts, pate', cheese, gerkins and rolls taste after a morning of biking.
12. Dare gets out of control occasionally and wants to bike at the point with the men. I try to restrain her because I think it's bad manners. She is the best athlete in the bunch, however.
13. The other guy, Ulrich (PhD in physics and ex executive) used to be a bike racer, and he can fix anything that goes wrong. He once changed my tire on the platform of the Venice train station.
14. This will change your life. You voted for "change," didn't you?

Sincerely, T.

Next comment/query from John later on December 18:

T.: Buttitis is a definite malady I hope to avoid. When do I do? But those leather pants? and Italian shirts? How about a padded seat? Something more than those dreadfully hard leather, self-flagellating, ball busting, excruciating, you know what I mean. Are these road bikes or mountain bikes? How many hours a day? I think I like the idea of wine at lunch, something to anthesitize my nerve endings. I know I am probably ahead of myself but is one's bag shipped ahead or must one carry it. I am definitely one who belieives in carrying the minimum and let some one else do the heavy lifting. Is this a large group effort or just us and your Frankfurt friends. Who makes the bookings and when, along the way or before we start? Etc., etc. John

My answer:

15. Padded seat won't do it. Pain is not caused by the seat but by flabby butt muscles.

16. No leather pants or Italian biking jerseys. Khaki shorts or touring shorts with real or faux chamois in the crotch and old tee shirts will do. You should get a helmet at home and bring it with you. Also, biking gloves are desirable, particularly since your hands are no doubt soft from all that walking. An old, comfy pair of running shoes will do also.

17. Light, easy to ride and steer touring bikes. Wide, but not too wide, tires.

18. We ride about five hours a day at moderate speeds, but with stops and lunch it stretches to about eight hours. Our friends find it hard to pass up a coffee or beer place, and they drink Radlers. You will be expected to drink at least one. It is about half beer and half Seven-Up and when drunk cold can hit the spot. The Germans have to have a pastry at about 4pm. I generally have ice cream. Dare and you will have mineral water.

19. A van picks up your bags in the morning and delivers them to the destination hotel/pension. You will have a saddlebag for your extra jacket or sweatshirt, your poncho (a must), water bottle. Breakfast is usually a big treat and is included in the price. Some tours include dinner and some do not.

20. There will be only six of us. Other people might be on the same tour and staying at the same hotels, and sometimes we ride with them.

21. Ulrich will make all the arrangements. The tour company makes the hotel reservations and rents the bikes. You should have some kind of brochure, maps and other info before you leave home. This will be a simple ride because we will largely follow the river. The bike paths should have a smooth surface and on a route like this are well marked.

22. If anything starts to hurt, crying is not allowed. Dare will give you a dirty look if she hears any whimpering.

Sincerely, T.